I’m taking a break for a bit

Hey all,

I want to start this post by saying a big thank you to all my friends lately. You have helped me in more ways than I could possibly express in a single, poorly written, blog post.

You’d think with several years of experience in psychology I would be better at this sort of thing, but I have been struggling a bit emotionally lately. Since finishing University in May, I have slowly gotten more and more frustrated with myself.

Last week I needed to mentally draw a line with myself. I had become something I truly hated, where I was jealous of somebody else’s happiness; to the point where I was laid in bed wondering what the point of it all was. Thinking nobody would miss me if I was to stop existing.

Well this is my time to talk/type about my mental health.

I am my worst critic. I over analyse every thing I do, and then worry about what I have said and done for days and weeks later. I don’t let things go. I have to get the last word in, and I hate to be proven wrong. And I have always been like this.

I have no self-confidence or self-worth and often feel like I am an imposter in my own social bubble. I often feel like I don’t deserve my friends, their support, or anything they have ever done for me. I feel worse that I am never able to repay their kindness.

I am stuck in a cycle of wanting to better myself as a person; doing or saying something that counteracts any progress, and then giving up; assuming there was no point in trying to change. Then reaching the mental and emotional point where I believe that ‘this’ time, something needs to change.

I need to force a change to happen. All I want in this world is bring happiness to other people. It was the reason I started streaming, to make friends, to cheer people up, and let people know that somebody out there cares and appreciates them. It was the reason I signed up to be a Scout Leader, to encourage children to become their best selves and help their families and communities. And it is why I went to university, to learn more about how I can do this in a professional capacity, and to get a paid job that lets me continue to support my friends and family in whatever ways I can.

It was this kind of thinking that made me want to start out as a Buddhist.

Please don’t consider this post as an admission of becoming the Buddhist equivalent of a ‘born-again Christian’. I have been studying the religion for almost a year now. And I have been discovering for myself what areas are and are not realistic for me. I doubt I could fully consider myself to be a Buddhist, I enjoy meat and swearing too much unfortunately. But there is a lot of other areas I do wish to more whole-heartedly incorporate into my life. Primary of which is being more focused on the happiness of myself and those around me.

I have decided that I need some time away from the internet. To think things through for myself without worrying about the world for a bit.

I realised recently that a lot of my own anger towards myself comes from wanting things I don’t have: a good job, a partner, people that look up to me and respect me. By attaching so much personal value to these things, I am only making myself more unhappy due to their absence. Social media, as much as I love it for keeping up to date on what my friends and family are up to, is another source of unhappiness as it serves as a reminder for wants and needs, that in turn causes more unhappiness.

I want to dedicate more of my day to reading, learning and meditation. Before I started streaming more full-time, I did meditate once a day, first thing in a morning. Since finishing uni, and streaming twice a day, it hasn’t been happening any more. For these reasons, I am going to take a break from everything online for a couple of weeks.

I am away on Scout Camp for a week from the 20th so this seemed like a good time to say that I would like to take some time away for everything to think.

So, for the next couple of weeks I will not be posting or browsing social media, or streaming or watching any Twitch, or keeping an eye on Discord, or anything along those lines.

If you are a subscriber on Twitch, please cancel your subs and give the money to another streamer or cause you enjoy. I don’t want to waste your money by not upholding my end of the deal as an affiliate!

Thank you everyone for all your love and support. I really do not deserve even half of what you give me.

See you all in a couple of weeks,

Alex

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2 thoughts on “I’m taking a break for a bit

  1. I know this must have been a hard post to write, but I’m glad you did so we can understand a little better but without each of us grilling you with questions.
    I recently started with some meditation, it’s one of those things that the benefits may not be clearly seen, but the lack of its presence can be felt when you look at things from a more wider view.
    Good luck on your journey matey.

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    1. Thank you WT. I find all of this a bit difficult to talk about this stuff more generally, so I used my blog, thinking it would be easier in the long run. I know I said I was trying to avoid the internet, but it has been a little harder than I thought it would be haha, I was writing another post when I saw your notification today, I hope you are all well!

      Like

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