I want to start this post by saying a big thank you to all my friends lately. You have helped me in more ways than I could possibly express in a single, poorly written, blog post.
You’d think with several years of experience in psychology I would be better at this sort of thing, but I have been struggling a bit emotionally lately. Since finishing University in May, I have slowly gotten more and more frustrated with myself.
Last week I needed to mentally draw a line with myself. I had become something I truly hated, where I was jealous of somebody else’s happiness; to the point where I was laid in bed wondering what the point of it all was. Thinking nobody would miss me if I was to stop existing.
Well this is my time to talk/type about my mental health.
I am my worst critic. I over analyse every thing I do, and then worry about what I have said and done for days and weeks later. I don’t let things go. I have to get the last word in, and I hate to be proven wrong. And I have always been like this.
I have no self-confidence or self-worth and often feel like I am an imposter in my own social bubble. I often feel like I don’t deserve my friends, their support, or anything they have ever done for me. I feel worse that I am never able to repay their kindness.
I am stuck in a cycle of wanting to better myself as a person; doing or saying something that counteracts any progress, and then giving up; assuming there was no point in trying to change. Then reaching the mental and emotional point where I believe that ‘this’ time, something needs to change.
I need to force a change to happen. All I want in this world is bring happiness to other people. It was the reason I started streaming, to make friends, to cheer people up, and let people know that somebody out there cares and appreciates them. It was the reason I signed up to be a Scout Leader, to encourage children to become their best selves and help their families and communities. And it is why I went to university, to learn more about how I can do this in a professional capacity, and to get a paid job that lets me continue to support my friends and family in whatever ways I can.
It was this kind of thinking that made me want to start out as a Buddhist.
Please don’t consider this post as an admission of becoming the Buddhist equivalent of a ‘born-again Christian’. I have been studying the religion for almost a year now. And I have been discovering for myself what areas are and are not realistic for me. I doubt I could fully consider myself to be a Buddhist, I enjoy meat and swearing too much unfortunately. But there is a lot of other areas I do wish to more whole-heartedly incorporate into my life. Primary of which is being more focused on the happiness of myself and those around me.
I have decided that I need some time away from the internet. To think things through for myself without worrying about the world for a bit.
I realised recently that a lot of my own anger towards myself comes from wanting things I don’t have: a good job, a partner, people that look up to me and respect me. By attaching so much personal value to these things, I am only making myself more unhappy due to their absence. Social media, as much as I love it for keeping up to date on what my friends and family are up to, is another source of unhappiness as it serves as a reminder for wants and needs, that in turn causes more unhappiness.
I want to dedicate more of my day to reading, learning and meditation. Before I started streaming more full-time, I did meditate once a day, first thing in a morning. Since finishing uni, and streaming twice a day, it hasn’t been happening any more. For these reasons, I am going to take a break from everything online for a couple of weeks.
I am away on Scout Camp for a week from the 20th so this seemed like a good time to say that I would like to take some time away for everything to think.
So, for the next couple of weeks I will not be posting or browsing social media, or streaming or watching any Twitch, or keeping an eye on Discord, or anything along those lines.
If you are a subscriber on Twitch, please cancel your subs and give the money to another streamer or cause you enjoy. I don’t want to waste your money by not upholding my end of the deal as an affiliate!
Thank you everyone for all your love and support. I really do not deserve even half of what you give me.
See you all in a couple of weeks,